“I don’t want to be on this planet”
I remember many times in my life falling into those big dark places, not knowing what to do with myself, feeling shame about my mere existence.
The core feeling always being a sense of helplessness and mainly a sense of not being worthy of love.
Those moments when a rejection coming from some random person could feel devastating as hell.
I remember my personal worth being so low and shaky, dependent on the people around me and how they perceived me.
I remember my need to please and meet the standards of society at any cost, wanting so badly to belong but always feeling alone and separate.
Trapped in my own little bubble.
I remember looking for the prince to save me from my misery and thinking that If I were perfect they would stay.
So, I put one mask after the other, playing all kinds of roles, hiding my true self out of fear of “not being enough”, and of course never letting anyone see my neediness.
Addictive patterns, over- eating, and judging myself afterwards, negative body image, self- hate, unexpressed anger, lack of boundaries, vitamin deficiency, depression….
All stemming from my need to be seen and been appreciated for who I was….
Paradoxically, I kept meeting emotionally unavailable men, who didn’t have the slightest interest for intimacy and connection.
Available men made me cringe.
At some point the pain became so vast and unbearable that I hit the ground with both knees, praying for a miracle.
I still remember that day almost 7 years ago, far away from home, when I realized I didn’t have all the answers myself.
The moment I decided to surrender for the first time.
Surrendering to something greater that myself, to a higher intelligence.
Opening up to receive.
Since then, I still come across big dark holes but they are not as steep anymore.
I have learnt to not drown myself to pain.
I recall the words of a shaman I met in the Amazon who had told me, “there is a lot of pain in the world, but there is also joy.”
This simple phrase comes to my mind every time I consider my issues to be so heavy, as If I were the centre of the universe.
It reminds me of our mission to en-joy each moment, to dip our hearts and souls into the moments of happiness this world has to offer.
To take ourselves by the hand and love the beautiful mess that we are.
To laugh at ourselves and delight in this co(s)mic performance that we have set up long time ago.
And remember that we are mere actors on a stage and that we have come here to play and laugh and be the most authentic version of ourselves